By Claudia Trinklein-Engman

Last week, three of my colleagues and I attended a meeting of It Takes a Village, Mill Valley's Special Education PTA, and presented information regarding how the four of us are addressing social skill development within the Mill Valley School District. Several parents said how much they enjoyed these monthly columns, and others asked specific questions where I could provide immediate input. If any of you have specific concerns, do not hesitate to let me know [link email] so that I can directly speak to those situations.

One parent asked, how can I advise my son when an older kid is bossing him around, like when someone says "you can't play on this kickball team"?

First of all, all of the schools have a policy that no child can be excluded from play. I would encourage the younger child to speak up to the older one and say that he has the right to play. He can also say that exclusion is not allowed at school. If it continues, encourage your child to get help from one of the adults that are always on the playground. Schools also have peer conflict managers that can help. If neither of these solves the issue at hand, your child can always talk to the principal. There have been some examples at several schools when exclusion from a certain game has gotten out of control or is too rough and the game has not been allowed for a certain period of time. It is important that your child lets someone know!

At the same time, this excluded child could try to find some other activity to join. That may be easier said than done, but encourage him to talk to you about other alternatives. I don't want to lose sight of your youngster's feelings when excluded. As a parent, I would work with him on what he can do physically to feel better (i.e. find something else to do) as well as what can he tell himself to feel better on the "inside." Talk about how he can take care of himself emotionally when not included. You, as a parent might encourage him to say to himself, "well, there are always other games to play," "it is not fair to exclude anyone and I will tell someone who can help," or "it feels really bad to be excluded, but I still feel that I am a good player."

Another parent asked what their children should do if they are watching someone being bullied or not included. I am a strong believer in what I call the "silent majority." I don't want to suggest that these children should be the ones to negotiate a solution, but they are in a very powerful position to stand up for the child being excluded and to verbally support him or her. If your child feels that it would be appropriate, he or she could always suggest that the excluded child join his or her own activity. A simple "Exclusion is not allowed here" should be sufficient. Bullies don't like their victims being rallied around by their peers.