by Claudia Trinklein-Engman
December 2009

Fighting or arguing is not necessarily all bad. The was a conflict unfolds and how parents position themselves during the disagreement makes the difference. Below are some different styles of fighting:

FUNCTIONAL                                         DYSFUNCTIONAL
"I" Messages                                           "You" Messages
No physical violence                               Physical and/or verbal violence
Leave kids out of it                                  Attempt to get child on your side
Talking it out until it gets resolved           Cold war
Child stays out of it                                 Child tries to mediate or break it up
Negotiating to have one's needs met     Blaming and accusing

(Clearly, I'm advocating for the functional approach, for the emotional well-being of everyone.)

One question that I am often asked is whether parents should ever fight in front of their children. A mild, short disagreement, with no form of abusive behavior is not necessarily destructive for a child to witness. As a matter of fact, children need to learn conflict resolution skills. Your youngsters will tend to model how you resolve differences with your partner. On the other hand, if conflict in your home tends to get out of hand quickly or is about the child, it is best handled in private. Remember that kids can hear through walls, and can feel the coldness of an ongoing battle.

It can also be very useful to let your child know that after conflict, things are okay again. Partners disagree just like children do. It doesn't mean that parents don't love each other; they just need from time to time to clear the air.

Children who are allowed or encouraged to become involved in parental conflict such as allies or mediators are being put in a highly unfair position. They should never be used to deliver messages. They should never be asked to take sides, directly or indirectly. They should never be physically positioned with one of the "warring" parties during any kind of conflict. And it needs to be clearly stated that no child is to feel that it is his or her responsibility to resolve the argument.

Kids who are involved in parental fighting or are living in a home with a great deal of conflict will often begin acting out. Their grades and overall performance in school may deteriorate. They may become easily distracted or withdrawn, get into fights themselves, or act depressed. Kids are like emotional sponges. If there is emotional pain anywhere in the family unit, they often manifest it. If you are involved in dysfunctional conflict, consider getting professional help while it still is apparently a "couple issue." Children have so much on their developmental plate as it is. The last thing we want for our youngsters is to begin acting out the turmoil that exists between the adults.