By: Claudia Trinklein-Engman
 
We adults know what a "put-down" message is. Most kids immediately respond that they not only know what one is but can give countless examples of put-downs that they have received from peers and/or siblings. They can also reflect well on how accompanying body language (e.g. rolling of the eyes, snickering, or laughing) elevates a possible silly or inappropriate comment to a disparaging one.
 
Adults and children alike know where put-downs often lead. We not only are hearing and/or seeing others negatively judge us, but all too often we begin to negatively judge ourselves as well. It is so important that we adults help our children find ways to stand up to these put-downs and to counterbalance the messages that often begin to floor our minds and influence our self-esteem.
 
I often ask children to help me generate a list of put-downs to which they have personally being subjected. Try this with your own children. Expect to hear things such as, "You're dumb," "You are the weirdest kid in the school," "You are ugly," "Hey four eyes," or "We're not your friend and we don't want to play with you."
 
I often talk to youngsters about the possibility that if we hear these messages often enough, verbally or non-verbally, we may begin to believe that the message is true.
 
As I repeatedly tell children of all ages that what we need to do at exactly these moments (among other things of course, such as using I messages or ignoring the insult) is to give ourselves a "put-up" message. I mean this to be an internal short supportive statement such as: "I learn differently than you do - that doesn't mean that I'm dumb;" "I may dress differently or walk differently, but I am not weird;" "I'm a good friend and a good kid;" or "If you don't want to play with me, there are other children to play with or other things that I can do."
 
As adults hopefully we have all had the experience of building ourselves up when we feel others have brought us down. When our girlfriend or boyfriend breaks up with us, we tell ourselves that "tomorrow is another day," and as my father repeatedly said: "There are more than one fish in the sea." If we lose our job, we remind ourselves that we can find other employment because we are good workers and reliable people. Our kids need to hear some of our stories as well. How have we recovered from our own emotional blows? In part, we have done it by reminding ourselves that we have redeemable qualities in spite of what just happened.
 
One little girl was having a horrific time on the playground and several peers were telling her to go away because she was fat and dumb. After we talked about it for awhile, she decided that she needed to remind herself that she could be a good friend and was a good person. And then she asked me to write that down on a small piece of paper. I did and she slipped it into her pocket, saying that if she needed to be reminded, she could always look at that note. And the next week, when we met, she still had that piece of paper, admittedly a bit tattered, but still in her pocket. That concrete reminder of her personalized internal message was of paramount importance to her.

Our own internal messages and those of our children can change from time to time, but their existence is a powerful reminder that in our minds, we can find ways to support ourselves in the most uncomfortable of situations.