By Claudia Trinklein-Engman, School Counselor

I often talk with children who have made bad decisions and gotten in trouble. Sometimes the situation is serious enough to merit suspension. Other times, the child may be given a time-out and will need to discuss the situation with the principal or teacher. And other times, a stern response on the part of an adult is the only intervention. My job becomes one of helping the child process what happened, to learn how in the future to react if he or she makes another bad choice, and to proactively learn something from the mistake itself. It is extremely helpful if parents can work on this issue at home as well. A responsible child is better respected and trusted by everyone in his or her environment.

Many children have a very hard time admitting their mistakes. Accepting responsibility for wrongdoing is not an easy skill to learn. It is never easy for any of us to accept blame. It is often easier to simply shift the blame to those around us. For example, students often seek, quite creatively, ways to remain blameless: someone should have reminded them, the goal was not explained well enough, the situation simply was not fair or a peer made the student respond as he or she did.

Children must learn to accept consequences for their actions. Youngsters who are able to act in a responsible way, even when they are wrong, learn that they will gain respect for their actions and perhaps lessen the degree of punishment that is given. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn.

First and foremost, I insist that the child's first responsibility, if he or she has made a mistake, is to just listen. Children typically begin arguing and justifying, long before they have actually heard the allegation. I often remind a child that at this moment, he or she has upset someone. This is not about being a bad person or being imperfect. It is about making a bad choice and being challenged to accept responsibility for that choice.

After hearing the complaint or concern, a child needs to stop and ask him or herself: was I wrong? Sometimes this is when I also discuss with the child what it is like to be wrong. I often hear a lot about how wrong equates with badness or lack of perfection. It can be a challenge to alter that pattern of thinking, but it is vitally important if a child is able to somewhat gracefully accept responsibility.

Then the child needs to admit the mistake. At this point, I often give other examples or create a list with the child of actions that would be deemed bad choices. For example, we could talk about disobeying a teacher, not doing chores at home, calling a friend a bad name, grabbing blocks away from someone else. Most children will readily admit that all of the above are bad choices. Next we discuss what effects these bad choices could have on others and what consequence could be attached to the poor choice of behavior. Finally, youngsters need to proactively discuss how they will behave if a similar situation presents itself in the future.

This skill of accepting responsibility is one that needs to be taught, supported, and encouraged on the home front as well. Help your children go through the necessary steps: first, stopping, listening, and truthfully accepting that they did something inappropriate; second, admitting their mistake and understanding that there will be some kind of consequence; and lastly, rehearsing how they will behave if it happens again. Help your child with the actual language that he or she will use if a bad choice of behavior is made. For example, " I did push Joanie." "I was wrong to have pushed Joanie in line." "Next time, I will keep my hands to myself."

Incorporate the notion that making poor choices does not make a bad kid. It does not make an imperfect kid. It is simply about making inappropriate choices and how to be mature enough to accept responsibility if a poor choice is ever made.