Each month, Mill Valley school psychologist, Claudia Trinklein-Engman, will have a column devoted to various topics in child development. This month, she offers excellent advice on conflict resolution tactics for your child.

Last month’s article was devoted to fostering the development of affective language in the young child. I feel quite strongly that before any child (or adult, for that matter) is able to effectively solve personal social conflict he/she must be able to readily identify and label the emotional stimuli surrounding the altercation. Personalized affective labeling is the first of several building blocks necessary in order to make appropriate strategic choices to solve social dilemmas.

Secondly, children need to be taught possible ways to resolve social conflicts. I personally spend a great deal of time teaching different techniques of conflict resolution to elementary school-age children. I have a wonderful poster (that I would be more than happy to show any parent interested) entitled: It’s Your Choice: When You have a Minor Conflict with Somebody. It lists the following possibilities: Apologize, Compromise or Share, Wait and Cool Off, Get Advice, Talk it Out, Tell Them to Stop, Walk Away or Ignore It. But, If the conflict is frightening, dangerous, or not being resolved by other means, the poster says that it’s ok to get help from a trusted adult. (I always encourage any child to try one of the initial ideas before turning to an adult.)

If I become involved with a conflict between children, I first ask: How did that make you feel? I then, based on the answer, ask: And what would be a good way to solve this problem. Many children need some visual cueing to help them strategize at this point which is why the poster is so very valuable.

So the second building block is to be able to match the feeling with the resolution. And the third, of course, is to carry it out.

At home, a family could easily create a similar poster with several possible ideas that is available to each family member as needed. (Make it, laminate it, make pictures to accompany the strategy and attach it to the refrigerator!) Your family might have unique strategies to add to the above-suggested ones as well.

Listen for your child’s tales of social conflicts. If he/she was involved, ask about how it made him/her feel and what did he/she decide to do about it. Hopefully, the decision made was an appropriate one. If not, ask what else could have happened to have better solved the problem. If your child reports a problem with another child or a sibling, make sure you have insisted on his/her first having tried to resolve it on his/her own. Kids are infamous in also suggesting crazy, unsuitable strategies as well. E.g. “Mom, just give my brother back to the hospital” or I’m going to solve it by telling her that she can NEVER again come into my room.” My classic response is:” Keep Thinking! I would never give your brother away. I wouldn’t give you away either. “

Make up stories with some conflict present and collectively search for strategies. Talk with your child about how a problem could be resolved, how he/she would know if it was not and how he/she would know if it was.

Families should also be reinforcing the use of “I Messages,” which is taught and encouraged at all of the schools. If a child feels uncomfortable for any reason with another child, he/she is prompted to say: “I feel ______ when you _______ and I want you to ______ .” Helping our children to have a “voice” is one of the most powerful strategies kids can have.